Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Adventures of Bat Bush

While reading last Friday's Wall Street Journal op-ed about What Bush and Batman Have in Common, I was struck by a brilliant idea for the next Batman movie: dump Christian Bale and hire the recently unemployed George W. Bush for the title role. (If Bale keeps attacking his mother, they may be in the market for someone new anyway.) Here's how the plot would go.

The movie would open with a shot of bustling, though essentially peaceful Gotham City. Suddenly, with no warning, there are two huge explosions as buildings are destroyed. We soon learn that the Joker is the evil doer behind these nefarious deeds. Batbush (usually not great with public relations) holds a press conference and rallies the people of Gotham behind him. He makes it clear that he's going to catch the Joker and bring him to justice for what he's done.

Batbush immediately starts on this quest for justice by leaving Gotham City and heading to Metropolis where he begins a long struggle with Lex Luthor. You see, Batbush explains, Lex Luthor is an evil doer and he's planning to do bad things so he has to be stopped. Everyone kind of goes along with this because he's Batbush and they trust him to do the right thing. A few eyebrows get raised, however, when Batbush refuses to accept any help from Superman or the League of Justice. They want to help Gotham's hero out of solidarity with the cause, but Batbush's stubborn insistence on doing things his way alienates these heroic potential allies.

It turns out that the fight against Lex Luthor is pretty easy and he's quickly put in jail where he's executed. But, it also turns out that Luthor wasn't really planning any big attacks against Gotham or anywhere else. He was just a big talker. However, with Luthor gone all sorts of problems break out in Metropolis and Batbush is obligated to stay and help fight a protracted war against the criminals of the city.

Meanwhile, back in Gotham, the Joker (remember him? the guy who started all the trouble?) hasn't been caught. He's still running around free encouraging other smaller attacks. Batbush is stuck in Metropolis, so he's no help. The people of Gotham are frustrated and angry because crime in their city is way up while Batbush goes running around in another city that he probably shouldn't even have gone to in the first place. Wayne Enterprises is nearly bankrupt from all of Batbush's exploits in Metropolis and that's causing a huge financial drain on the whole city of Gotham.

The film ends with Batbush saying that he has no regrets and that he knows he's doing the right thing. The people of Gotham, meanwhile, are signing a petition to keep him in Metropolis, never to return. Fade to black.

Hopefully there wouldn't be a sequel. Batmccain anyone?

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